the very first thing: intention

It's too big, it's too far away. It's beyond my capacity. Tears dripped from my eyes. Sobbing on a prayer mat. Pretend like I have a private conversation with God. God that always hears my confusion, hear my sadness. Eyes closed, I turned back time. Remembering the beginning of all the things that made me I am today. I participated in many activities at college. All of that was to prove to others that I can. I can be more than them.

Back in my high school days, when I didn't have close friends. Even I didn't know how to share my stories, confide with friends. I feel that everything in this world is fake. I have friends in the organization, classmates, but I don't want them to come into my life. I have no trust with them and myself. I built a high wall around me. I closed myself.

Then I entered university. The thing that I'm really grateful for is new friends, a new environment.  I am very careful about making friends. I don't want to be the old Nabilah, I want to be more and more. 

That is the starting point when I start being hustle. All-day long, until that intention is no longer has its meaning. Turns out why prove it to other people? Who are they? Two years of being a university student, I realize that my intention is wrong.

The thing that made me survive being hustle for 2 years was my own self. I enjoy every single thing that matters to me. I really like role-playing when I enter a new environment. Adapt, follow the existing culture. Being an introvert, but can be really talkative when having a quality time with my best friend.

The activities are not only about having new friends, a new position, or a new role. There are things that I look up in every experience I take. A place to talk, discuss, develop, and achieve a goal. As an observer, I like to observed how people start talking, start engaging each other, until the audience or people who listen to him/her nodded their faces. How they build the environment? A lot of questions come up to my mind, and I enjoy figuring those out by accepting every opportunity that comes to me and led me to start a new journey. A journey that teaches me a lot of things (Since I really believe with "learning by doing"). 

Everything in life is trial and error. It's the same for us who have never lived before or parents who have never been married before and this is your life, this is your story, just go in your own way. Enjoy the ride, enjoy the roller coaster journey, enjoy the process. Failed then try again. 

My intention should be to develop myself to develop my surrounding. 

(to be continued)
-Nabilah Kusuma Wardhani

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